By Myself!

March 11th, 2012 | Posted by Dana in behavior | cooperation | developmentally appropriate | language development | parenting | parents | positive discipline | tips | young children - (0 Comments)

 

Check out my guest post orginally published on Lauren Jimeson’s blog, A Mommy In The City.

It’s all about toddlers and their need for independence!

By Myself!

Coming in a close second after “mine!” on the list of most frequently used toddler phrases is “by myself!” It’s truly exciting when your baby starts exerting her independence, using language, and more actively exploring the world around her. But the world of toddlers and 2s brings with it a new batch of challenges. How do you support your child’s desire to be independent and foster her feelings of competence and self-esteem, while also keeping her safe and setting appropriate limits? I considered focusing this post on dealing with tantrums, because they can be so prevalent during this time in early childhood, but I decided to approach the topic from a more proactive angle…

What can a parent do before their child tantrums? My initial answer to this question is always the same: “fight the battles worth winning.” This is a concept that will follow you as your children grow. Is it worth getting into it over striped leggings or solid ones for school? Probably not. Does it matter who buckles her in to the stroller? Not really, as long as she ends up buckled.

I generally recommend that parents of toddlers and young 2s use brief sentences when talking to their children. Repeatedly using these “catch phrases” will help your child understand them and begin to incorporate them into their own vocabulary. For example, when taking your child out of a high chair you might say “all done.” Going forward, your child may start using these words to let you know that they are finished. When your child wants a toy that a friend is using rather than saying “share,” which really doesn’t mean much to a child at this age, try “my turn” and “your turn.” When a young child is able to express themselves and make their needs known, they are less likely to have a tantrum.

Phrases like “my choice” and “your choice,” or “my pick” and “your pick,” set up an environment where young children feel that they have some control. This can be very helpful when you have a toddler or young 2 with a persistent case of “by myself-itis.” Studies show that “by myself-itis” is a leading cause of tantrums. (Okay, I made that up. But I’d bet that most parents of toddlers would agree!) Pick times to let your child choose, and highlight it for them. You can say “Pasta or rice, your choice.” Then later on, when you feel strongly that they should be wearing a jacket in the snow you can say, “Jacket on, my choice.”

Every child is different, and children have tantrums for a variety of reasons. Reflecting on what sets your child off, can help you before they reach the point of tantrum. If you are having a hard time seeing a pattern, get in touch. That’s what I’m here for. Embrace your toddlers’ and 2 year olds’ natural curiosity, and use of phrases like “mine” and “by myself.” Celebrate their independence, and use language and limit setting to help them manage the world around. You can do it!

(Original URL : http://amommyinthecity.com/2011/04/guest-post-by-myself/)

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The Value of A Flexible Routine

March 1st, 2012 | Posted by Dana in behavior | Dana's Kids and Mommybites | developmentally appropriate | Flexible Routine | infants and toddlers | Mommybites | Mommybites NY | NYC parent education | NYC parent support | parenting | parents | reflection | Responsive Parenting | tips | young children - (0 Comments)

Check out my article on Mommybites about “The Value of A Flexible Routine.”  Use what you know about your child to create a routine that meets their (and your) needs, as well as teaching them to manage change.

http://mommybites.com/col2/nanny/the-value-of-a-flexible-routine/

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Guest Post: Stefanie Weiss

February 24th, 2012 | Posted by Dana in ADD and ADHD | anxiety | behavior | challenges | children | NYC ADD support | NYC ADHD support | NYC parent education | NYC parent support | parenting | Stefanie Weiss | tips - (0 Comments)

I recently had the pleasure of meeting Stefanie Weiss, a mental health counselor specializing in OCD, ANXIETY, PANDAS, ADHD and other related mental health disorders. Stefanie’s services offer parents a unique opportunity to have their children’s, and their own, needs met by individually-selected and top-rated doctors and therapists.  Stefanie guides each family through the steps of exploring their children’s needs and finding techniques, treatments, and specialists that will be most effective.

 

 

 

From AskStefanie.com

“Stefanie is a Mental Health Consultant specializing in OCD, Anxiety, ADHD, PANDAS, and other related mental health disorders. She meets with the parents of children who have these disorders so that they can speak openly  and honestly about their child. Based on an in- depth consultation and intake process, they collaborate on selecting a team of doctors that will be most appropriate for the child.

Stefanie gives families information on their child’s disorder and coaches parents on how to deal with their schools, teachers, friends,and doctor appointments. She is a true “hand-holder” guiding parents who feel anxious and overwhelmed, and need that extra time and support while dealing with their child’s disorder.  As a mother of three children, she is extremely sensitive to what parents require emotionally.  Working with Stefanie is a boutique experience. Stefanie only refers to a select group of doctors that are the very best in their field. She has thoroughly interviewed every doctor that she refers to.  This process is vital to her. It helps her observe the doctor’s bedside manner, personality, office staff, and experience with specific disorders.

Stefanie believes that parents have a hard time gaining the courage to take the initial step of seeking professional help for their children. Going to the “right doctor” the first time puts families on the right track immediately, instead of going through a daunting process of 3 or 4 doctors until they finally find the one that they connect with and believe in. She helps make that process easier by getting parents in the right hands immediately. This saves them time, money, and energy. Exposing yourself and your child emotionally is a difficult step. Stefanie makes sure families are comfortable and confident with whom they select.”

 

AskStefanie.com Post: Will Going To Therapy Make the Situation Better or Worse ?

Recently on her blog, Stefanie broached the topic of whether going to therapy would make a situation better or worse.  The first step towards seeking out any type of help can be a scary one.  Whether you are choosing to bring your child for an evaluation, to physical or play therapy, etc. or going individually with a  spouse to see a psychologist or parent educator, you are making a conscious effort to improve your family life and relationships.  For this, I applaud your courage.  To read Stefanie’s post: http://askstefanie.com/2012/02/06/will-going-to-therapy-make-the-situation-better-or-worse/

 

Contact Information:

Stefanie Weiss

sw@askstefanie.com

www.AskStefanie.com

320 E. 65th Street               Suite 124               New York, NY 10065               646.543.0426 485 Underhill Blvd.               Suite 107               Syosset, NY 11791               516.641.7926

 

 

 

 

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Review: Building Self-Control, The American Way

February 21st, 2012 | Posted by Dana in behavior | developmentally appropriate | discipline | NY Times article | parenting | parenting style | play | positive discipline | response to NY Times | self-control | self-help skills | teachable moments | Uncategorized - (0 Comments)

Last Sunday the NY Times published an opinion piece in response to this past years’ focus on international parenting techniques.  The unifying factor of many of these practices is helping children learn self-control and self-discipline.  Throughout my blog posts and workshops you will find  that I repeatedly emphasize the important of positive discipline that leads to self-discipline, specific praise that reinforces appropriate behavior and self control, as well as providing children with the opportunity and skills to make their needs known.  The article reiterates these ideas and explains that this does not have to be done with adult pressure but rather adult presence, reflection and recognition of a child’s interests, and acknowledgement of desired behavior.

Internal motivation is key.  Modeling how to express ones self and ones emotions, as well as using play, are positive ways to create teachable moments that don’t have adults hovering, or shoving concepts and rules down children’s throats.   This is not the way we manage or teach adults and it is not the way we should with children either.  Throughout our days with children there are opportunities for them to work on self-control, social skills, and self-esteem.  Help them take advantage of these times and practice these skills.  You, your child, and the world around us will benefit.

 

 

NY Times Article: Building Self-Control, the American Way

by: Sandra Aamodt and Sam Wang

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/19/opinion/sunday/building-self-control-the-american-way.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all

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A Fun Way To Teach Cooperation!

February 6th, 2012 | Posted by Dana in behavior | consistency | cooperation | developmentally appropriate | parenting - (0 Comments)

When teaching cooperation, the first thing to consider is whether your expectations are developmentally appropriate.  Taking a 2 year old into a clothing store while you shop after they’ve been in their stroller for 40 minutes, and expecting them to continue to stay in the stroller, is not developmentally appropriate or reasonable.    Here are some suggestions I make for parents who are trying to teach their children to be cooperative:

#1-Inside Voices-When a child is being loud in a place where you’d rather they use a quieter voice, make it a game.  Ask them “Can you say that in a whisper?”  “Can you say that like an animal might?”  Before you take your child to quieter places play a Quiet-Loud game.  Say a word loudly and say it quietly.  (You can also do this with instruments.)  Practice a whisper, an outside voice, and an inside voice.  Remind them of these different voices before you go in to a restaurant or library.

#2- Sharing- This could truly be a post of its own but consider this…If a friend came to your house and wanted to borrow a cup of sugar and your best china, you probably wouldn’t think twice about the sugar and might feel some anxiety about the china.  This is not dissimilar from how young children feel about their possessions.  When your child has a play date, have them put away 3-5 toys that they do not have to or want to share,  and 3-5 that they want to play with their friend.  Stick with them during the play date and help support your child.  Reassure them that you will make sure that everyone has a turn.  Next time they’ll find “sharing” easier.

#3-Grocery Shopping- Rather than saying “no” every time they point to, or pick up, an item, play “I Spy” or give them part of the list.  Children have brand recognition from a very young age.  ”Can you point to the Cheerios?”  “Where do you see the carrots?”  “Can you find the cookies with the pink wrapper?”  Older children can help cut the packaging from empty containers or ads to make their own shopping list.  This idea works at home too.  Toddlers, in particular, love to help!  They can find matching socks while you do laundry and sort mixed up toys into containers.

Have specific questions or frustrations?  Have a great tip to share?  Get in touch!  dana@danaskids.com

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ADD and Medication: A Reaction to L. Alan Sroufe’s NY Times Article

February 1st, 2012 | Posted by Dana in ADD and ADHD | ADD and ADHD strategies | behavior | challenges | children | Dana's Kids | NYC ADD support | NYC ADHD support | NYC behavior therapist | NYC parent education | NYC play therapy | parenting | parenting anecdotes | parents | response to NY Times | self-control | special needs - (0 Comments)

By now many of us have read L. Alan Sroufe’s opinion on the use of medication for people, specifically children, with ADD.  He discusses the short term benefit and his belief that in the long term they do nothing for behavior or concentration.  He describes ADD as “problems with attention, self-regulation and behavior.”  Perhaps most strikingly he cites environment and “parental intrusiveness” as causes for Attention Deficit Disorder.  Now, I am not a researcher or doctor, and will not attempt to dispute medical findings (though having read many studies, I wonder what details may have been left out of this article to prove a point).  But in the same way that blaming autism on the “refrigerator mother” was a harmful generalization, misleading, insensitive, and useless, so to is this.

Giving medication to children with ADD should be a choice made by an individual family, for their individual child, with the help of their individual doctor.  In my work I have seen both children who benefit greatly from medication and those for whom medication has been ineffective.  I have seen medication give children the concentration they need to learn coping strategies for managing their “inattention, self-regulation, and behavior” that they otherwise would not have been able to learn.  Again, I won’t argue with medical findings Sroufe includes in his article (though they should be read in full before I”d confirm their value), but in my opinion, he spends far too much time discounting possible remedies and placing blame, rather than offering ways to help.

Below, a link to the original article, a sensitive, well-written, thought-provoking reaction from a parent (one without a child with ADD), and two point by point rebuttals from Harold S. Koplewicz, MD and Edward Hallowell, MD.  Have a thought?  Reaction?  Success or challenge with an ADD/ADHD “treatment?”  Please share it here!

NY Times Opinion: Ritalin Gone Wrong

by: L. Alan Sroufe

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/29/opinion/sunday/childrens-add-drugs-dont-work-long-term.html?_r=1

 

NY Times Motherlode: If Ritalin Has ‘Gone Wrong,’ What’s the Right Way to Cope?

by: KJ Dell’Antonia

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/01/30/if-ritalin-has-gone-wrong-whats-the-right-way-to-cope/

 

“Righting the Record on Ritalin: Why the slam on medications for ADHD is misleading”

by: Harold S. Koplewicz, MD. President Child Mind Institute

http://www.childmind.org/en/posts/articles/2012-1-30-adhd-righting-record-stimulant-medications

 

Ritalin Redux: This popular and beneficial ADHD medication gets a bad rap

by: Edward Hallowell, MD.

http://www.additudemag.com/adhdblogs/11/9378.html

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Tips To Tame Tantrums!

January 31st, 2012 | Posted by Dana in behavior | challenges | children | consistency | developmentally appropriate | limit setting | parenting | positive discipline | self-control | tips | young children - (0 Comments)

Recently, in many of my parent groups and private sessions, tantrums seem to be the topic of choice.  Tantruming is not new to childhood but it seems that every day an expert has a new way to end your child’s tantrums. I say stick with the tried and true…

Before your child tantrums, think about what sets them off.  Why does he or she tantrum?  Think about where your child is developmentally.  Is your 3 year old having a tantrum because you won’t give him something he wants?  Is your 19 month old tantruming because she’s lost control of herself?

When a toddler has a tantrum it is often because they are melting down, tired, or hungry.  Whatever the cause, a toddler does not have the tools to calm their bodies and regain control on their own.  They need you.  At this age I recommend that you sit on the floor next your child, tell them you see they are having a hard time and that you are going to help them calm down.  Some like to be held, others do not want to be touched.  You can ask your child what they prefer, or just try what you think might work and see what happens.  To be clear, this doesn’t mean to give in if the child is demanding something, it just means that you are giving your child what they need.  Something, at that moment, that a toddler can not do for themselves.

As your child gets older, think about their temperament and try these techniques:

Reflect your child’s emotions.   Bend down so that you are level with their eyes.  Try saying, “You are so mad (fill in the emotions) right now.  I know you really wanted that 5th scoop of ice cream but you may not have it.  I understand that makes you feel angry and sad.”  Then move on.  Give your child a choice, should we play with blocks next or take out the crayons.

Give positive alternatives.  Explain to your child that banging that block on his infant brother’s head is not a choice, but he can bang the block on another block, or play the drums if he feels like banging.  Remind your child that banging on another person’s body is not safe.  Ask, “where do you think is a safe place to bang?”

Keep it light.  Use a little humor to diffuse the situation.  When your child is begging you not to go out to dinner, remind them that you have to come home to sleep in your bed.  Ask them “Can grown-ups sleep in a restaurant?  A car?  On the table?  No! How silly!  Grown-ups have to come home to sleep in their beds.”  We even use this idea during the separation process at school.  When your child is having one of those delightful moaning tantrums, reflect their feelings and be silly.   ”You are so mad, I wonder if you can stamp your feet as loud as I can.”

Ignore it.  There are times when a child begins to have a tantrum, that the best thing you can do is simply ignore it.  Check in to be sure your child is safe, but keep yourself out of the tantrum.  If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one there to see it…

Remove them from the situation.  This idea can be interpreted in two ways.  For some children, having a conversation with their grown-up while being distracted by the item they want, the child who has it, or something else that is happening in the environment, is just too much.  For these children, removing them from the situation can mean going into the next room to work through the tantrum in a quieter place.  That being said, sometimes there is no other option than to remove your child from the situation entirely.  If your child has gone past the point of no return, leaving will often give them the opportunity calm their bodies in a less stimulating environment and help them understand that their behavior is unacceptable.

Deciding how to deal with tantrums has a lot to do with your child’s temperament.  I say this often: Parents know their children best.  Think about your child and the way they handle different situations.  Children give us a lot of information every day, from whether they need to be prepared for something new a week before or an hour before, to how to handle their tantrums.  When a tantrum begins, assess the situation, decide on a technique, and set the limit.  Do not tolerate unacceptable behavior.  The consistency in your reactions to tantrums, as with any other behavior, will help your children develop their ability to regulate their own emotions and behaviors.  You can do this!

More questions?  Ask!  dana@danaskids.com

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New Event: Tuesday February 7th, 2012 at 6pm

January 27th, 2012 | Posted by Dana in behavior | Dana's Kids Workshops | developmentally appropriate | early childhood | Events | love | New York City Parent workshops | NYC parent workshops | parenting | sibling relationships | siblings | TLB Music | TLB Music workshop | young children - (0 Comments)

Join Dana’s Kids and TLB Music for a new workshop:

“Creating A Sibling Symphony”

 on Tuesday February 7th at 6pm.

During  this workshop parents will find out how to prepare their child for the arrival of a new sibling. We’ll talk about when to tell your child and how to help them transition into their new role as older brother or sister. We’ll also discuss “sibling rivalry” and some of the most common reasons why children fight. Parents will learn how to help siblings resolve conflict, when to intervene, and how to encourage a positive, loving relationship between their children.

 

Where: TLB Music  266 E 78th Street

Tickets: $25

For More Information and To Register for this class: 212-744-0404 or threelittlebirds@tlbmusic.com

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What Do You Mean Sensory Issues?

January 24th, 2012 | Posted by Dana in anxiety | behavior | challenges | occupational therapy | parenting | parents | sensory issues | sensory processing disorder help | special needs | understanding sensory processing disorder | young children - (0 Comments)

Over the years I have met many children who were either overly sensitive, or not sensitive enough, to the world around them.  Today, sensory integration disorder, sensory processing disorder and sensory issues are phrases that get thrown around by educators and therapists frequently.  But for parents these words can be scary and unclear.  When we describe for parents some of the ways these challenges present themselves, they can begin to clearly picture their children and are relieved to know “it’s not supposed to be that way.”  Struggles with sensory processing can be exhibited in a variety of ways.  Young children who have a hard time managing external stimuli can be loud, aggressive and act out, they can be quiet and withdrawn, or they can be somewhere in the middle.  What I try to help parents understand, is that these children are not trying to be difficult.  The environments in which these children live can actually feel painful, scary, or disorienting.

 

I’m often hesitant to recommend reading materials for parents because most books and articles, as they should, cover the gamut of symptoms and behaviors that can be associated with sensory processing disorder.  That can make them initimating and alarming.  That being said, my core beliefs point towards empowering parents through education and support.  I recently came across these two articles from the Child Mind Institute (the 3rd in the series of articles should be out shortly), that I thought were informative and might be helpful: ”Sensory Processing Issues Explained”  and “Treating Sensory Processing Issue.”  I’m also partial to Carol Stock Kranowitz’s, The Out of Sync Child and her book of activities, The Out of Sync Child Has Fun.  In the past I have mentioned the SPD Blogger Network that offers an incredible online community for parents of children with sensory processing disorder to share their thoughts, concerns, challenges and triumphs.  Occupational and behavior therapists, parent educators, sensory gyms, and other professionals are incredibly helpful in identifying sensory issues and supporting children, parents and families as they learn to manage these challenges and integrate coping strategies into their daily lives.  If you have questions or concerns, please reach out for help.  We’re here for you!

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The Parenting Dance

January 9th, 2012 | Posted by Dana in behavior | challenges | children | parenting | parenting dance | quality time | Reflecting parenting | reflection | tips - (0 Comments)

 

Many parents go through a period where they struggle to understand what their children are telling them.   In more challenging situations, parents can have a hard time connecting with their babies.  I often suggest they try considering these times in a new framework.  Consider parenting to be a dance.

Starting from the first moment you hold your infant in your arms, you have to learn about your partner.  Parents must consider the way their children move, the way they speak, sound, and smell.  What type of rhythm do they like?  And just to make it slightly more complicated, each partner or child is different, and as children grow and develop, the dance changes a bit.  Then slowly but surely, you learn how to move fluidly together.

Little by little, you begin to understand who your babies and children are, what works for them, and how to enhance their development and interactions.   You learn the signals that the music is about to change, when to take a step closer and when to take a step back.  Over the years you begin to easily recognize when you partner needs to perform solo, and when only a parent partner will make the dance seamless.  Parenting is a living entity.  Allow for the time to reflect on your partner and the dance.  You’ll be “dancing with the stars” before you know it.  You can do this.

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