The Value of “Grown-Up” Breaks

February 22nd, 2011 | Posted by Dana in behavior | children | love | parenting | parents - (1 Comments)

Let’s face it, parenting is exhausting at times.  For this reason, parents need to give themselves a “grown-up” break. 

When I say a break, I mean two things:  A break can be time away from your child with the help of a caregiver, friend or family member.  Even a video.   This time allows you to recoup your patience and energy, refresh your body, mind and spirit, and reconnect with the world and people around you.  A break can also mean cutting yourself some slack.  For the most part parents try, every day, to be the best possible parent they can be.  Many want to be “perfect” parents.  Well, here’s some news…..there is no such thing as perfect.  Certainly you should work hard to connect with, and understand, your child, to give them the foundation for a fulfilling, successful life, but children will get boo-boos even when you’re watching.  You will misunderstand and overreact from time to time.  Forgive yourself.  Give yourself a break.  You deserve it!

Dana’s Kids.  Empowered Parents, Happy Families.

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Teaching Children To Problem Solve

February 10th, 2011 | Posted by Dana in behavior | children | cooperation | developmentally appropriate | educators | parenting | positive discipline | self-control | teachable moments | tips - (0 Comments)

Learning to problem solve begins at a very young age, and is a lifelong skill that helps us as we make our way through the world. 

Infants learn to problem solve as they track a toy with their eyes and slowly begin to reach out to grasp it.  Babies problem solve when they have a toy in each hand but there is a 3rd one on the floor that they would like to hold as well.  Toddlers are learning to problem solve when they take a toy from another child and realize that when they give that other child something else to hold, the child may not scream.  As toddlers become 2 year olds and their language abilities improve, parents and caregivers can ask ”what should we do?”  The caregiver can then model solutions.  This works for everything from learning how to stack tall towers to supporting children’s ability to have their needs met by using simple words rather than crying or screaming.

Older 2 year olds begin to play together rather than side by side and offer items to friends, often in the hopes that the other child will give them something as well.  When they say “my turn,” or as their language develops, “Can I have a turn when you’re done,” they are problem solving.  Problem solving is also often seen when two year olds find a bottle or pacifier to give to a crying baby.  At this age, caregivers can help children hone their problem solving skills by again asking “what should we do” and then waiting for the child to come up with an idea.  If the child is having difficulty, try suggesting a few possibilities.

The big change comes when children are about 3.5 years old (some slightly older, some slightly younger).  Many children have been problem solving with the support of an adult and can now take over some of the responsibilities.  For parents and caregivers it is time to take a step back and when a child looks to you to save the day, simply say “what can you do?”   Or, “How can we solve this problem?”  Leave the rest to them.  Problem solving comes up when children are playing with peers, and can also be useful when a child is unhappy or concerned about something.  At these times you might say “what can we do to make you feel better?”   The more opportunities children have to problem solve, the better they will be at it.

Being able to problem solve strengthens a child’s sense of self and reinforces their ability to make their needs known while taking into account the points of view of others.  Problem solving is important for children as individuals, in relationships with siblings and peers, and in the long run, with coworkers and spouses.  This is another opportunity to for parents and caregivers to be children’s first and best teachers.

Dana’s Kids.  Empowered Parents, Happy Families.

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Review: “No More Mrs. Nice Mom”

January 18th, 2011 | Posted by Dana in behavior | children | developmentally appropriate | No More Mrs. Nice Mom | parenting | parents - (0 Comments)

Please take a look at the article “No More Mrs. Nice Mom” in the NY Times.

I’ve read the article and watched the news report and I’ll respond to them the way I do to so many others…what happened to the middle ground?!

We have certainly had a trend in parenting where grown-ups want to be children’s friends.  Often, grown-ups use too many words to explain to young children why they are behaving the way they do. Many parents use lack of sleep or hunger or having been “thinking about using that toy all day,” as an excuse for their child’s poor behavior.  I’d also venture to say that the other end of the spectrum, where a child’s every moment is controlled by the parent, they are told that they are garbage and they have beloved stuffed animals burned, is not the best technique either.

Using simple, short sentences with young children to help them express their thoughts and feelings creates positive, lifelong abilities and good self-esteem.   Lack of discipline and lack of consistency is scary for young children.  They need external limits before they can internalize them.  They need bigger, stronger grown-ups with their best interest at heart, to help them feel safe.  Having expectations for your children while being aware of where they are developmentally, encourages a sense of competence and capability.  Authentic praise when a child has done something respectful, responsible, or friendly (or something that reflects another quality you value), reinforces positive behavior.  Gentle and consistent correction helps children to learn to make good choices.  Threats and punishment are not the way to produce achievement, but neither is having no expectations and no rules….don’t forget the middle ground!

Parenting is about learning who your child is, and teaching them to be the best little person they can be. That takes a careful mix of love, kindness, understanding, guidance, rules, expectations, and much, much more.  Most importantly, the mix and the technique have to reflect your individual child (and it may not work for multiple children in the same family) and your unique family.

This post could truly have gone on and on.  If you have questions, ask.  I’m here to help.

Dana’s Kids.  Empowered Parents, Happy Families.

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Bullying Prevention Starts With Teaching Tolerance

October 17th, 2010 | Posted by Dana in behavior | bullying | parenting | parents | self-control | teachable moments | young children - (3 Comments)

Needless to say “bullying” has been in the news a lot lately.  What’s been happening is nothing short of tragic.  It would seem to me that whether you have a child or are educating children, your goal is to give them the support and tools they need so that they become positive, active contributors to our global community.  To do this, we need to teach children tolerance and acceptance.  Unfortunately, we begin to see cliques and exclusion in groups of children as young as three years old.  This is when we need to begin educating young children, both explicitly and by modeling inclusive behaviors.  Schools can model this idea by including children with differing abilities and needs whose development they believe they can successfully support.  Parents can model acceptance by chatting with all of the other parents and not creating cliques within the parent population.  Teachers can model this by being aware of showcasing, and encouraging, each child’s strengths within their classrooms.  Parents and teachers can encourage children to play with many different friends. 

The truth is, we can’t force children to create exceptionally close relationships with all children, but we can teach them to be tolerant and respectful.  Two books I love to use with the early childhood set to teach acceptance, tolerance, and inclusion are Chrysanthemum by Kevin Henkes and We All Sing With the Same Voice by J. Philip Miller and Shephard M. Greene.  Chrysanthemum offers a great jumping off point for discussing the value of being different and the choices children can make about the way they react to and treat others.  We All Sing With the Same Voice is a wonderful story and song with beautiful illustrations that talks about all different kinds of people and families.  Both books offer a platform for talking to children about this topic.  For children just beginning to think about tolerance and acceptance Todd Parr’s It’s Okay To Be Different is a wonderful choice. 

Whatever materials, activities, or books you choose, start them young.  Along with other family “rules” include respect.  When you witness someone being bullied or someone being mean, use it as a teachable moment.  Ask your child what they just saw.  Ask them what they might have done differently.  Ask them how they think the children involved are feeling.  You can also do this while you are reading with your child.  Close the book and ask the same questions.  Help your children to start thinking about and exhibiting tolerant, accepting and inclusive behaviors.  You can have an impact!

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Why Isn’t This Working?!

October 12th, 2010 | Posted by Dana in behavior | challenges | children | consistency | limit setting | parenting | positive discipline - (0 Comments)

Many parents set up an appointment with me when they are feeling frustrated, exhausted, helpless, or a multitude of other emotions.  Most come in to our sessions with an open mind and an open heart, and are willing to try almost anything to make their situations better.  One of the first things I tell parents is that ”change takes time.”  After a child has lived for 18 months or 2 years or 5 years finding success with tantruming or talking back or hitting, its going to take time to learn an alternative.  Children need modelling and instruction of positive alternatives.  They need opportunities to be successful, and consistent and continual reinforcement when they make a “good” choice.  Even when all of these things are in place, children tend to show an initial backlash to the change in a parents reaction.   Research shows that true change in any behavior (for a child or an adult) takes 14 days.  During this time I am in frequent contact with parents.  They need support and encouragement during this process.  

Parents: Stick with it!  You can do it!  Your family will be happier and healthier for the effort!

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